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Why Do We Stay in Some Relationships and not in Others?


Why do we stay in relationships? What makes us crazy enough to put small or even big things on the line?  Something we discussed in my class this week is called Social Exchange Theory.  Social Exchange Theory basically means that we will only stay in a relationship as long as our “costs” are lower than our “rewards”.  Now let me explain this a little bit.  Costs would be what we invest into a given relationship.  For example: time, money, energy, etc. and our rewards would be what we receive in return for our costs in a given relationship.  For example, gratification, money, security, safety, etc.

This can be applied to any relationship whether it be family, friends, coworkers, your boss, siblings, or romantic relationships.  If our costs outweigh our rewards, we won’t likely stay in that particular relationship very long.  Now why would this be?  Because it is exhausting!!! When you put more in than what you receive, there are very few benefits to that relationship. When this happens, we are likely to avoid the person or break the relationship.  A relationship that doesn’t serve you simply is not worth the effort.  I am sure that everyone has had an experience with this.  If you are able to identify one, please share it with me in the comments below.  I know I can identify a few of these in my own life, and after exiting the relationship, I felt as though I had gained a piece of myself back that I had given away to these people. And it proved to be some of the most healing moments in my life.

I want to talk a little bit about family relationships.  I learned about some interesting points this week that really resonated with me.  The first was about unspoken family rules.  These can range from never tell mom that you’re bored to only boys take out the trash.  These are rules that you only learn by breaking them and suffering the consequences.  No one tells you what they are, but boy oh boy will you learn.  I was trying to think about some of these within my own family.  I couldn’t come up with too many because my parents set some pretty clear boundaries.  Really the only one that I could come up with is if dad asks for your help, just help.  It will save everyone time and headaches.  What are unspoken rules in your family and when did you learn them?

The second thing I want to talk about is how when we go and visit home, we often find ourselves slipping into old roles that we played while we were growing up. Please tell me it isn’t just me who does this! The first time I came home for my off semester I really struggled.  I felt like I was different but that the people at home (family, friends, neighbors) didn’t see me that way.  I felt it was harder to be who I had become while gone at school than to just be who I was when I was home.  This was a huge challenge for me.  Anyone else felt this?  It was awhile before I felt like I could be me.

This can be for a couple of reasons.  Sometimes when we switch up or adjust our roles, we can receive negative feedback from others which will bring us back to our old behavior (the familiar).  This happens because when people feel like you are changing your role, it forces them to adjust theirs as well.  And change is hard!  Am I right people?! 

Then my professor shared the most profound statement.  If you act like a mom, the more people around you will act like children.  I am very proud of my mothering qualities.  For all who know me, you know that I love to help and take care of people. It brings me a lot of joy and helps me get outside of myself. But I have found this to create a big problem for me in relationships.  I want an equal partner and I haven’t felt like I have had that in a relationship.  And that’s when I realized that it was things that I am doing to create this, not because the people I was with are dependent and irresponsible.  I created this in them by mothering them.  That’s when I did some research and found this article.  Neil Rosenthal gives some suggestions on how to stop being the mother in your relationships.  This was some golden information for me because I know I tend to do this and if I want to find that equal partner, I need to change the way I handle certain things.  If you struggle with this at all, I HIGHLY suggest giving this article a read:

https://www.vaildaily.com/news/relationship-column-resist-the-urge-to-mother-your-boyfriend/

I would love to hear your insights and stories so share in the comments below.  Have an amazing week everyone!

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