Preparing for Marriage

I am sooo excited about the topic this week!  The topic is, (drum roll please), Preparing for marriage!!!! This information really rang true to me because this is the stage that I am currently in.  Let’s get right to it.

Dating is an important aspect of eventually finding someone that you will share your life with.  Assortive Dating is the idea that you date multiple people, no strings attached, just going out and having a good time and meeting new people.  This is an important stage that many people skip.  My mom likes to call it shopping for ice cream flavors.  Everyone is different and you may think you like mint chocolate chip until you try graham canyon.  This gives you an idea of what you need in a relationship and things that you could do without.

In a devotional given by Dallin H. Oaks entitled “Dating vs. Hanging Out” he explains the 3 p’s of dating:

“A “date” must pass the test of three p’s:  

Date must have:

1.       Planned ahead

2.       Paid for

3.       Paired off

We talked about why this was important in my class.  The beautiful thing is, that these three “P’s” directly correlate to the roles asked of them in parenthood and marriage:

Roles of Men in the Home:

1.       Preside

2.       Provide

3.       Protect

If a man can plan ahead, it shows that he has the ability to preside in a home.  If a man can pay for the date, he demonstrates his ability to provide.  And finally, when you are paired off on a date, he is responsible for you during the time of the date.  To protect you from others but also from yourselves.  If boys are not showing these abilities in their dating, it is a good hint that it will not be there in marriage.  Watch for that girls.  Sometimes if things are out of balance, such as the girl paying for most of the dates, she then becomes the provider and that will continue into marriage. 

There is a theory called the Know-Quo which I like to call the three “T’s”.  To truly get to know someone, these aspects must be present. 

Know-Quo

1.       Togetherness

2.       Talk

3.       Time

All of these become important when you begin to date exclusively, making a commitment to one person. Let’s start with the first one. 

Togetherness:  you can only get to know someone better when you have many shared experiences. The best way to utilize this “togetherness” is to have a wide pool of activities for dates, not just hanging out.  Different activities will bring out different sides of people that will help you see how they handle certain situations.  It is dangerous to do the same activity all of the time i.e. Netflix. 

Talk: this one is a no-brainer.  You need to talk to build a relationship and get to know someone. Communication is so important when getting to know someone.  Don’t underestimate that.

Time: this one also seems like a no-brainer.  It takes time to get to know someone for who they truly are.  This surprises a lot of people, it takes a MINIMUM of 3 months to BEGIN to know someone.  Don’t rush, take your time.  Truly get to know someone before you commit to them. 

What I want to discuss next is the RAM Model: The Relationship Attachment Model

These are important steps when evaluating your relationship. If the category to the right of another category is higher than the one of the left, you are putting yourself in a dangerous situation.  You have to know someone in order to trust them.  You have to trust them before you rely on them, you need to rely on them more than you commit to them, and you must touch less than your commitment to this person.  This last one surprises people.  Let me explain why:

Touch, no matter how innocent, makes you feel like you know and trust someone better than you do because it releases hormones which bond/attach you to that other person.  I have learned that when women have babies, the hormone oxytocin (the bonding hormone) is released.  When a woman kisses a man, her uterus contracts and releases that same hormone.  So, when you are kissing someone before you know them, you are putting yourself in a dangerous situation.  DO NOT EVER HAVE A NCMO (non-committal make-out).  You will get hurt if you go this route.  I also learned that the more men a woman has kissed, the harder it will be to securely attach to your husband.  That makes a lot of sense. Need I say more on the subject?

Be wise in your dating.  Take the time to get to know someone and one day you will find the right person for you.