Communication

I LOVE the topic for this week.  Drum roll please……  IT’S COMMUNICATION! Communication is one of the most crucial factors in our interactions and relationships with others and yet many of us have no idea what makes good communication or how the quality in ours may be lacking. 

All of our communication is sent through different media, ways in which the message is transmitted.  This can include words, the tone that is used, nonverbal signals (body language, eye contact, etc.), texting, face-timing, social media, email, or good old-fashioned mail.  In class we discussed what factors in communication held the most weight.  This surprised me and the breakdown is as follows:

Words—14%

Tone—35%

Non-verbals—51%

This really surprised me!  The words we say have very little to do with what message we are sending.  It is the way in which we say it and the way our body language, posture, eye contact, etc. relay what we are saying that have the most impact.  This was very interesting to me because in today’s age, a lot of us text more than we talk to others in person.  But when doing so, the two most critical factors aren’t being transmitted—our tone and our non-verbals.  This means that when you text someone, at best you’re only going for a 14% understanding.  In other words, it is so much better to talk in person if you want to be understood and if you want to understand who you are talking to.

The one thing that stood out to me more than anything else this week was the importance of listening.  Often we are too busy to try and come up with our response that we stop listening to the people who are talking.  This is where miscommunication happens and this is what creates problems.  A good way to address this is to practice active listening.  One of my professors, Sister Bone, shared the acronym SOLER with me last fall.  

S—sit/stand squarely (be completely square/facing the person you are listening to)

O—open posture (have your chest open—don’t have your arms folded or behind your back)

L—lean in toward them (this shows the talker that you are engaged and listening to what they are saying)

E—eye contact (this helps us focus on who is speaking and what is being said)

R—relax (don’t look like you have to run or jump to the next subject.  Be engaged with what is being said)

This has made a difference for me when I actually apply it when I am listening.  However, I am far from being good at it.  It is so important to listen and understand.  When the speaker is done, repeat to them what you heard and what you understood to see if there need to ask any clarifying questions.  This will make a huge difference in the quality of your communication.  Here is a link with some other tips for active listening strategies:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2z9mdX1j4A

If you are the speaker and you want to make sure that what the other person heard is what you meant to say, always follow up your conversation with “what did you hear?”  This can help you understand if you need to reword or clarify anything to make sure your message isn’t being misinterpreted. 

“I Feel” statements can be really powerful when communicating.  Often we need to discuss a topic of conflict but we don’t want to approach it from a blame standpoint.

a.       I feel statements are powerful because they do not accuse by using “you” statements such as you never do this or you never do that. 

b.       These are helpful because you are entitled to your feelings and no one can disagree with them

c.       The structure of one of these is as follows:

                                                               i.      When (specific event happens), I feel/felt (emotion) because (thoughts) and I would like (your hope/desire)

                                                             ii.      An example could be: Joe, when you leave me to do all of the dishes after dinner, I feel unappreciated because you come home, eat, and go sit on the couch.  I would like it if you could help me clean up because I would feel more appreciated for the work I put in while preparing the meal. 

I would also like to share some short statements that I found in my reading for class that I really loved.  These were on the topic of marriage, but they can apply to almost all communication situations:

1.       Express your hopes and dreams to each other

2.      Talk about your problems every day

3.       When a problem arises, bring it up right then

4.       Focus on the WE

5.       Understand the issue completely

6.       Generate options and choose a plan of action

7.       Try the plan and evaluate it

8.       State your requests and wishes clearly and directly

9.       Repeat the message you think you received

10.   Conflict is healthy

That’s all for this week!  Set a goal for next week to apply something you have read today.  The more effective we can make our communication skills, the more successful and satisfying our relationships will be.