Relationships with In-Laws

This week we are talking about the in-laws!!!  This is a topic that many people make jokes about and that many people struggle with.  So how do we create healthy relationships with our in-laws?  What boundaries should we set and how do we do that respectfully?  We are going to explore the answers to these in this post.

When we get married, we have just covenanted to love and cleave unto our spouse and no one else.  In Genesis 2:24 it says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife.” The dictionary defines cleave as “to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to,” and “to remain steadfast”.  This is what is required of us when we marry someone.

In “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Family” by James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen, they say that, “a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity.” (n.d.)  This can be a tricky transition for many couples.

They shared this beautiful analogy, “it helps a newly married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an invisible fence.  They share information and behavior with each other inside of that fence and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents in-law.“(n.d.).  They explain that often it is the daughters who has the hardest time becoming independent from her mother.  It is hard for mothers to let go of their children and it is especially hard for daughters not to rely on the person they have for their whole lives. 

Harper and Olsen explain the difference between enmeshment and closeness.  They define enmeshment as “a process in which parents and children feel they always have to be together; to not be so is considered a personal afront” (n.d.).  They define closeness by saying, “Closeness, on the other hand, is different from enmeshment.  Parents who are secure in their relationships with their children understand that married children can be emotionally close without always having to be present.  These children, in turn, have a sense of their parents’ own security so they don’t have to always be near them to take care of them emotionally.” (n.d.)  I thought this was very interesting and helpful to understand the difference between the two things.

I am going to conclude this post with the concluding paragraph of the chapter, “parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son-or daughter-in-law by creating opportunities to spend time one-on-one.” (n.d.).  There is a lot that goes into having a successful relationship with your in-laws and one that can be improved on all fronts.  I am very grateful to have amazing in-laws who follow these principles and I am glad that my parents do as well.  It is really a neat relationship for me and my fiancé. 

References:

James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen, (n.d.) Chapter 37, “Creating Healthy Ties With In-laws and Extended Families