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Parenting


This week’s topic is parenting!  There are so many different approaches and theories of parenting and many of them contradict each other.  It is hard to find information that really helps instead of just manipulates children’s behavior.

An example of manipulation of behavior is both punishments and rewards.  When we use these against our children, or anyone for that matter, we are teaching them that all that matters is their conformity and obedience to our requests.  In fact, when we do this, we are shooting ourselves in the foot.  When our only goal is to have compliant children, we forget that we want children who are competent, confident, wise decision makers, strong, independent, and capable of handling life’s stressors.  When we only focus on getting them to conform to our behavior wishes, these long-term goals cannot be met.  We will create children who only do things when told, won’t make decisions for themselves, and won’t feel confident in their own abilities to grow and learn. 

There are two other ways to approach consequences to behavior.  The first is natural consequences. These are consequences that happen without parental interference. An example would be a little boy who grabs a running hose is going to get wet.  If you stand on your chair, it is likely to tip and you will fall.  These can be the greatest teachers because the parent isn’t involved.  Your child cannot blame you for these because they were self-imposed by a decision they made and the world carried through.  These are wonderful power tools.  There are three times that we shouldn’t let natural consequences run their course:

1.       When it is too dangers (physical dangers)
2.       When it is too far in the future to be of value (they’ll see when they are older how their decision now will affect them)
3.       If it hurts others

The second approach to consequences is logical consequences.  These are the consequences that are the result of a child’s behavior/choice that is enforced by a parent/parental figure.  An example would be if you leave your toys all over the floor, then mom/dad will take them away for the next day. There are 8 guidelines to keep in mind when setting logical consequences with your children.

1.       They must be logically connected to natural consequences (don’t make it unrelated to the choice—never use “because I said so” or “because I am the parent”.  Make sure you have a reason why the consequence is the way it is.
2.       It needs to be talked about in advance.  (if_____, then ______) (i.e. if you come home late tonight, you can’t go out with friends tomorrow).  Only then can your child actually have a choice
3.       When/then, if/then statements help clarify the intention and consequence of choices.  These kinds of statements help the development of the brain
4.       Be firm, yet friendly.  Be direct and unwavering
5.       Follow through the first time (if you don’t, and you aren’t consistent, then you won’t be able to enforce future rules)
6.       Be willing to follow through (it is crucial that you are on the same page with your spouse and they are also willing to follow through
7.       Give the child another chance (let them demonstrate their learning and encourage them).  It is a lot like repentance.  We are going for long-term change, not temporary behavior modification
8.       Involve the child in the discussion (ask them what they think would be an appropriate consequence if they were to not follow through with their end of the bargain.  This helps children feel like the consequences are connected to their choice and they feel a sense of trust and belonging.
 
These are some wonderful guidelines for helping to raise our children to become the adults they   Do you have any tips that have worked for you and your children?  Or perhaps that are tested and failed?  I would love to hear about it below in the comments!
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