Managing Conflict

Conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship, especially any marital relationship.  When you choose to be in a long-term relationship you know beforehand that there are bound to be at least a few disputes. I have always been told that when I decide on someone, I am choosing an imperfect person with many problems. But, choose the person with the problems you can handle, not that are out of your range too much. John Gottman quotes Dan Wile who wrote the book After the Honeymoon says, “When choosing a long-term partner…you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years” (Gottman, 2015, p. 139). 

There are different kinds of conflict.  There are gridlocked problems and solvable problems.  Gottman states, “One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones.  That’s because when you argue over a solvable problem, your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation.  There is no underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute” (2015, p. 142)

Gottman helps give us some clues into identifying when we are dealing with a gridlocked problem (2015, p. 141):

·         The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner

·         You keep talking about it but make no headway

·         You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge

·         When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt

·         Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection

·         You become even more “unbudgeable” over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these     conversations

·         This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your positions and polarized, more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to compromise

·         Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally

If you find that these are common in your conversations/discussions with your spouse, there is probably an underlying issue beside what you are actually discussing.  There could be a lack of trust, attention, affection, etc.  You won’t be able to discuss the small things until the big underlying problem is discussed and managed.

Gottman gives the “keys to managing conflict”:

·         Negative emotions are important

o   Listen without feeling attacked so that the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt

·         No one is right

o   There is no absolute reality in marital conflict

·         Acceptance is crucial

o   It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are

·         Focus on fondness and admiration

It is easy to fall into the trap of marital conflict, especially if there are underlying issues involved.  Bringing awareness is the first step to making change.  For more information please read:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships-blueprints-success/

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

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