Skip to main content

Managing Conflict


Conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship, especially any marital relationship.  When you choose to be in a long-term relationship you know beforehand that there are bound to be at least a few disputes. I have always been told that when I decide on someone, I am choosing an imperfect person with many problems. But, choose the person with the problems you can handle, not that are out of your range too much. John Gottman quotes Dan Wile who wrote the book After the Honeymoon says, “When choosing a long-term partner…you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years” (Gottman, 2015, p. 139). 

There are different kinds of conflict.  There are gridlocked problems and solvable problems.  Gottman states, “One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones.  That’s because when you argue over a solvable problem, your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation.  There is no underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute” (2015, p. 142)

Image result for marital conflict

Gottman helps give us some clues into identifying when we are dealing with a gridlocked problem (2015, p. 141):

·         The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner

·         You keep talking about it but make no headway

·         You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge

·         When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt

·         Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection

·         You become even more “unbudgeable” over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these     conversations

·         This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your positions and polarized, more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to compromise

·         Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally

If you find that these are common in your conversations/discussions with your spouse, there is probably an underlying issue beside what you are actually discussing.  There could be a lack of trust, attention, affection, etc.  You won’t be able to discuss the small things until the big underlying problem is discussed and managed.

Gottman gives the “keys to managing conflict”:

·         Negative emotions are important
o   Listen without feeling attacked so that the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt

·         No one is right
o   There is no absolute reality in marital conflict

·         Acceptance is crucial
o   It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are

·         Focus on fondness and admiration

It is easy to fall into the trap of marital conflict, especially if there are underlying issues involved.  Bringing awareness is the first step to making change.  For more information please read:


References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

https://marriagemissions.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/Marital-Conflict-Vulnerable-AdobeStock_74686176-copy.jpg


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Preparing for Marriage

I am sooo excited about the topic this week!   The topic is, (drum roll please), Preparing for marriage!!!! This information really rang true to me because this is the stage that I am currently in.   Let’s get right to it. Dating is an important aspect of eventually finding someone that you will share your life with.   Assortive Dating is the idea that you date multiple people, no strings attached, just going out and having a good time and meeting new people.   This is an important stage that many people skip.   My mom likes to call it shopping for ice cream flavors.   Everyone is different and you may think you like mint chocolate chip until you try graham canyon.   This gives you an idea of what you need in a relationship and things that you could do without. In a devotional given by Dallin H. Oaks entitled “Dating vs. Hanging Out” he explains the 3 p’s of dating: “A “date” must pass the test of three p’s:   Date must h...

Relationships with In-Laws

This week we are talking about the in-laws!!!  This is a topic that many people make jokes about and that many people struggle with.  So how do we create healthy relationships with our in-laws?  What boundaries should we set and how do we do that respectfully?  We are going to explore the answers to these in this post. When we get married, we have just covenanted to love and cleave unto our spouse and no one else.   In Genesis 2:24 it says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife.” The dictionary defines cleave as “to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to,” and “to remain steadfast”.   This is what is required of us when we marry someone. In “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Family” by James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen, they say that, “a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating ...

Gender Roles in the Family

"In His grand design, when God first created man, He created duality of the sexes. The ennobling expression of that duality is found in marriage. One individual is complementary to the other. As Paul stated, 'Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord' (1 Corinthians 11:11). There is no other arrangement that meets the divine purposes of the Almighty. Man and woman are His creations. Their duality is His design. Their complementary relationships and functions are fundamental to His purposes. One is incomplete without the other." - President Gordon B. Hinckley This week we are talking about gender roles in the family.   As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we know from The Family: A Proclamation to the World, that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God.   We know that, “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”   Thi...