Skip to main content

Managing Conflict


Conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship, especially any marital relationship.  When you choose to be in a long-term relationship you know beforehand that there are bound to be at least a few disputes. I have always been told that when I decide on someone, I am choosing an imperfect person with many problems. But, choose the person with the problems you can handle, not that are out of your range too much. John Gottman quotes Dan Wile who wrote the book After the Honeymoon says, “When choosing a long-term partner…you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years” (Gottman, 2015, p. 139). 

There are different kinds of conflict.  There are gridlocked problems and solvable problems.  Gottman states, “One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones.  That’s because when you argue over a solvable problem, your focus is only on a particular dilemma or situation.  There is no underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute” (2015, p. 142)

Image result for marital conflict

Gottman helps give us some clues into identifying when we are dealing with a gridlocked problem (2015, p. 141):

·         The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner

·         You keep talking about it but make no headway

·         You become entrenched in your positions and are unwilling to budge

·         When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustrated and hurt

·         Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement, or affection

·         You become even more “unbudgeable” over time, which leads you to vilify each other during these     conversations

·         This vilification makes you all the more rooted in your positions and polarized, more extreme in your views, and all the less willing to compromise

·         Eventually you disengage from each other emotionally

If you find that these are common in your conversations/discussions with your spouse, there is probably an underlying issue beside what you are actually discussing.  There could be a lack of trust, attention, affection, etc.  You won’t be able to discuss the small things until the big underlying problem is discussed and managed.

Gottman gives the “keys to managing conflict”:

·         Negative emotions are important
o   Listen without feeling attacked so that the message gets through in a manner that encourages healing rather than more hurt

·         No one is right
o   There is no absolute reality in marital conflict

·         Acceptance is crucial
o   It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are

·         Focus on fondness and admiration

It is easy to fall into the trap of marital conflict, especially if there are underlying issues involved.  Bringing awareness is the first step to making change.  For more information please read:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships-blueprints-success/

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

https://marriagemissions.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/Marital-Conflict-Vulnerable-AdobeStock_74686176-copy.jpg


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Divorce

This last blog post is on divorce.   This is a rough topic for many families and can be a very sensitive subject.   There are so many reasons why someone would divorce.   For example, reasons could include things such as abuse (physical or emotional), adultery, addiction (of any kind), and abandonment (either physical or emotional).   Whatever the reason, this can be a shattering experience for everyone in the family.   There are three kinds of divorce: 1.        Legal divorce 2.        Economic divorce 3.        Parental divorce Legal divorce is settled by the courts and the marriage is dissolved officially by law.   The second kind, economic divorce is when you separate your things.   This could include finances (you separate bank accounts), property, etc.   The last one is parental divorce where the parents split. Often times if a family that is involved in divorce has children, it leads to joint custody.   This is where they share both resources and physic
1 comment
Read more

Relationships with In-Laws

This week we are talking about the in-laws!!!  This is a topic that many people make jokes about and that many people struggle with.  So how do we create healthy relationships with our in-laws?  What boundaries should we set and how do we do that respectfully?  We are going to explore the answers to these in this post. When we get married, we have just covenanted to love and cleave unto our spouse and no one else.   In Genesis 2:24 it says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife.” The dictionary defines cleave as “to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to,” and “to remain steadfast”.   This is what is required of us when we marry someone. In “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Family” by James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen, they say that, “a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity.” (n.d.)  
Post a Comment
Read more

FAMILY 100-- Equal Partnership

This week I really wanted to focus on what it meant to have an equal partnership between men and women in families.   I believe that this concept is misrepresented with the views of the world.   There is a large movement in feminism, and it has created ripples throughout the world.   There is a fight for women to be “equal”.   They want the same roles, pay, duties, respect, and more.   They want to feel like they are the same as a man.   This idea is a little bit twisted.   Equal does not mean identical.   The Family Proclamation outlines the roles of men and women.   For men, it states that they must preside, provide, and protect.   For women, their main role is to nurture the children and teach them the gospel.   Does this mean that the roles don’t cross over? Of course not!!!   As equal partners, all duties are shared.   We must be willing to help fill any gaps in those roles if necessary, but that doesn’t mean that all of the sudden because both parents decide to work and pur
Post a Comment
Read more