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Seeking to Understand


You have always had the dream of running the Boston Marathon and it is something you have expressed to your partner before.  Every time you bring it up, they get upset and say that it is a waste of time and money to travel all the way to Boston just to run a silly race.  What he doesn’t know is what this race symbolizes for you.  It symbolizes to you that you can accomplish anything.  It is a race your grandfather raced in and did well, and he is your idol after all!  Your partner doesn’t see this and thinks it is a silly goal.  Every time this issue is brought up it creates more and more tension. 

Sound familiar?  This is just one example of what John Gottman would refer to as a “gridlocked problem.”  He says that, “all gridlocked disagreements share four characteristics:

1.       You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution

2.       Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection

3.       The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on

4.       Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out—giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self” (Gottman, 2015, p. 237)

I think we have all found ourselves in these kinds of situations.  We can’t give in because it would literally change our identity, the way we feel about ourselves, or it would affect our perception of the world around us. 

Gottman suggests this about gridlock, “To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that each of you have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect.” (2015, p. 239)  In other words, the underlying issue in ALL gridlocked problems, is that there is a dream that isn’t understood from either or both parties.  After learning this, it really made so much sense to me. 
So what now?  You have recognized a gridlock problem.  But how do you begin to find your way out?  I am so glad you asked. (Lisita, 2019)

Step 1: Explore the Dream(s)

Write an explanation of your position and then explain what dream is behind it.  Explain where it comes from and why it is meaningful to you.  Have your partner do the same.  When you are finished, talk about it.  The goal is not to solve the problem.  The goal is to listen and try to understand.  Talk honestly and when listening, try to suspend judgement.

Step 2: Soothe

This can be a stressful discussion.  Notify your partner if you are feeling overwhelmed (your heart rate is increasing and you’re getting sweaty).  If this is the case, take 20 minutes to calm down before returning to the conversation.

Step 3: Reach a Temporary Compromise

Write down your non-negotiable areas in this conversation.  Then write down your areas that you are flexible in.  Have your partner do the same.  Come up with a temporary solution and try it out for two months.  Then review and see where both of you are.

Step 4: Say Thank You

Offer your partner three specific thank-yous.
This is a very tricky situation and hard for both parties.  I encourage you do identify a gridlock situation you have and begin to uncover the dreams behind it.  Then, when you’re ready, discuss this with your partner.

Image result for arguing couple

For more information on gridlock visit:
 https://www.gottman.com/blog/overcoming-gridlocked-conflict/

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the countrys foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Lisitsa, E. (2019, May 30). Overcoming Gridlocked Conflict. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/overcoming-gridlocked-conflict/.



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