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Cherishing Your Spouse


There they go, the new couple who were just sealed for time and all eternity leaving the temple grounds.  What a special time it is for them at the beginning of their lives together.  Time goes on and they begin to get too comfortable and become complacent in their relationship.  Neither spouse is seeking to make the other the priority and they are very selfish in their actions and decisions.  Sound familiar? I really hope this doesn’t.

So many couples become content and take for granted their marriage and their spouse?  How do we continue to make them a priority?  John Gottman explains that we need to have a developed “Love Map” of our partner.  Gottman explains, “emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world.  I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all of the relevant information about your partner’s life” (2015, p. 54).  It is important to understand the details of your partner’s life and to get involved with them.

How do we develop a love map?  Here is one example of how to do so.  Ask your partner the following questions: (Gottman.com)

Name my two closest friends.

What was I wearing when we first met?

Name one of my hobbies.

What stresses am I facing right now?

Describe in detail what I did today or yesterday.

What is my fondest unrealized dream?

What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios?

What is my favorite way to spend an evening?

What is one of my favorite ways to be soothed?

What is my favorite getaway place?

What are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them?

What are some of my favorite ways to work out?

Name one of my major rivals or “enemies.”

What would I consider my ideal job?

What medical problems do I worry about?

What was my most embarrassing moment?

Name one of my favorite novels/movies.

What is my favorite restaurant?


It is so important to know the answers to these and similar questions to really see if you understand and know your partner intimately.  Gottman says, “There are few greater gifts a couple can give each other than the joy that comes from feeling known and understood” (2015, p. 57).  There is a lot of power when it comes to knowing your partner because you then know how to best meet their needs and make them feel appreciated.

I was able to do a very similar exercise with my fiancé and it was such a fun and eye-opening experience for me.  There were things that we hadn’t talked about that was fun to hear the answers to.  I believe that as we make the effort to do this every day, we will feel fonder of our partner.

Another way to strengthen our relationships is through fondness and admiration.  This is, “to get in the habit of scanning for qualities and actions that you can appreciate.  And then, let your partner know what you’ve observed and are grateful for” (Gottman, 2015, p. 71).  It is really easy to focus on the negatives, but this invites to look for the positives and to acknowledge them verbally to our partner.  This allows both parties to feel appreciated and loved.

Here is a quiz you can take to see your level of fondness and admiration for your partner:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/fondness-and-admiration-assessment/ (Links to an external site.)

I invite you to do the exercises above and reflect on your standing in your relationship.  I believe that it will yield great results if done on a regular basis.  For more information on love maps and fondness and admiration, I linked some more information below from The Gottman Institute.  They are short articles that are definitely worth the read.  Have a great week everyone!



Love Maps:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps/ (Links to an external site.)

Fondness and Admiration:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/share-fondness-and-admiration/




References:

Brittle, Z. (2018, June 14). Share Fondness and Admiration. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/share-fondness-and-admiration/.

 Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.

 Lisitsa, E. (2018, August 2). The Sound Relationship House: Build Love Maps. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-sound-relationship-house-build-love-maps/.

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