Staying Emotionally Connected

Welcome back to another post!  This week we are talking about the importance of staying emotionally connected with your spouse.  It is easy to let the little things get in the way of connecting with our spouse.  Whether that be an irritation we have with them, our cell phones, work, exhaustion, frustration, or to-do lists (this one is my blockade to connection). 

Often, we see these things as the most important rather than our eternal companion who is literally the most important thing in the world (after God of course).  I have loved reading about this this week, and I can’t wait to dive in.  Here we go!

In The Seven Principles for Making marriage Work by John M. Gottman, he shares the importance of turning towards each other.  He explains that when we turn toward our partner, mutual trust is built.  He also says that true romance, “is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of every day life” (Gottman, 2015, p. 88). 

Gottman shares two blocks to turning toward each other:

1.       Missing a bid for connection because it is wrapped up in anger or another negative emotion.

2.       Being distracted by the wired world. 

Gottman explains, “Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice” (2015, p. 94).  I love this because we as humans tend to find things to be more commonplace and become complacent with them.  We stop caring for them or giving them the attention that they deserve, not because we mean to, but because it is our nature.  There is power in becoming aware of when you are doing this and correct yourself to meet your partner’s needs. 

But how do we turn toward our spouse?  I am so glad you asked.  Gottman teaches us how to have a stress-reducing conversation ( https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-stress-reducing-conversation/ ).  He suggests the following:

1. Take Turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes.

2. Don’t give unsolicited advice. The major rule when helping your partner de-stress is that understanding must precede advice.

3. Show genuine interest. Don’t let your mind or eyes wander. Try to stay intently focused on your partner.

4. Communicate your understanding. Let your partner know that you can and are empathizing with what they are saying.

5. Take your partner’s side. This means being supportive, even if you think that part of his or her perspective is unreasonable. It’s all about perspective! Don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees – if your relationship is important to you, it is likely more important than your opinion about the intricacies of your mate’s conversation with their boss. Again, understanding must precede advice.

6. Express a “we against others” attitude. Let him or her know that the two of you are in this together. That you are a team.

7. Express affection. Hold your partner, put an arm on his or her shoulder, and say, “I love you.”

8. Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you by telling them just that.

I am so blessed because my fiancé is so good at this.  I often have long and difficult days and to feel better about them, I just need to talk.  He listens actively and patiently, never disregarding the feeling in what I am saying.  He always validates my feelings and it helps me to move past things much more quickly than if he were to disagree. 

My obstacle to staying connected is my to-do list.  I have had obsession with these since 9^th grade and it has been the way that I run my life.  I love to cross things off and I love to be busy and productive.  It increases my feeling of accomplishment.  However, I have noticed lately that I put the “things” of life in front of the people.  I always tell my fiancé that he is my priority, but my actions haven’t always matched that.  I have put a lot of focus on that this last week and found greater happiness in my relationship.

I know that the little things are the most important.  They are easy to overlook and yet they are the building blocks to the foundation of our relationship.  I challenge you this week to be intentional and find the obstacles that are blocking connection in your relationship.  I would love to hear yours in the comments below!

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.

Lisitsa, E. (2018, April 30). How to Have A Stress-Reducing Conversation. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-stress-reducing-conversation/.