Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

Welcome back!  This week we are talking about behaviors that negatively affect marriage.  Marriage can be a tough union and require a lot of patient, work, and love.  There are so many things that can go wrong, but there are so many things that can go right!  It all depends on the kind of work you decide to put into your marriage.

John M. Gottman, PH.D., and Nan Silver wrote a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  In this book, he describes that he can predict whether a couple will divorce or not with a 90% success rate!  He studied hundreds of couples and came up with some challenges that marriages face.

First, he begins by saying that friendship is what keeps your marriage healthy.  He states, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse” (Gottman, 2015, p. 22).  It is important that that friendship is there all throughout your marriage.

Gottman describes that there are four horsemen which can destroy a marriage.  These are:

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling

When these are present in a marriage and in the way, you communicate with one another, it can mean trouble and difficulty lie ahead.  It is important that we take the time to analyze ourselves with our spouse/significant other and see if these are present in the way we are communicating.

Criticism, the fist horseman, is different from complaining.  Criticism attacks the person, not the problem itself.  Gottman explains complaints as, “three parts (1) Here’s how I feel (“I’m really angry”) (2) about a very specific situation (“you didn’t sweep last night”) (3) and here is what I need/want/prefer (“could you do it now?”)” (Gottman, 2015, p. 32-33).  He goes on to explain that this is the best way to phrase something.  If you attack the person and say “you’re such an idiot and inconsiderate.  You always forget to do things that you should be doing, and you make me so angry!”  This is criticism and can damage your relationship.

The second horseman, contempt, “arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner” (Gottman, 2015, p. 34).  Your goal here is to make your partner feel small and degraded because you have to win.  He also says that, “content in fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner” (Gottman, 2015, p. 36).

The third horseman in defensiveness.  Gottman explains that defensiveness is really a way of blaming your significant other.  He says that, “you’re saying, in effect, “the problem isn’t me, it’s you”” (2015, p. 37).  This system really fuels each other.  The one more partner is defensive, the more the other partner will attack and it is a never-ending cycle.

The fourth horseman, stonewalling, is more commonly seen in men than women, but can definitely happen in either.  During conflict conversations, stonewallers will stop listening.  Gottman describes it as a “stonewaller… tends to look away or down without uttering a sound.  He sits like an impassive stone wall. The stonewaller acts like he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he even hears it” (2015, p. 38-39).  This can be detrimental to the communication between you and your significant other.

I challenge you this week to notice when these come up in your conversations and see if you can slowly begin to correct them.  It will be a long process to fix because you are most likely used to whatever you have been doing.  The first step in doing this is simply becoming aware.  Good luck!

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.