Marriage—Ups, Downs, and All-Arounds

This week we are talking about the in-laws!!!  This is a topic that many people make jokes about and that many people struggle with.  So how do we create healthy relationships with our in-laws?  What boundaries should we set and how do we do that respectfully?  We are going to explore the answers to these in this post. When we get married, we have just covenanted to love and cleave unto our spouse and no one else.   In Genesis 2:24 it says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife.” The dictionary defines cleave as “to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to,” and “to remain steadfast”.   This is what is required of us when we marry someone. In “Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Family” by James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen, they say that, “a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up. One component of separating from families of origin involves creating a marital identity.” (n.d.)  

This week we are talking about power in family relationships and how to become one with our spouse.  It used to be that in previous decades, the man had the most power in the family.  He made all of the important decisions, decided what the wife and children did, and had the final say in most matters.  However, in recent times we have seen this trend change.  Over time, the roles have shifted, and families are becoming either more equal, or the woman is trying to gain power.  This is due to the rise in feminism. So what are we supposed to do?  How is the power shared in the family relationship?  I am so glad you asked.  In the article, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families” (2008) by Richard B. Miller, PhD, director of the School of Family Life Brigham Young University, He shares some points to consider: 1.        Parents are the leaders in families:  He says that there should be a clear hierarchy between parents and children.  He shares, “Do not be afraid to s

We are all human.   We make many mistakes and those mistakes often have an effect on the people around us.   Whether it be because we hurt them or because we are hurt, and it makes them hurt as well.   We often get stuck in ruts and it can be very challenging for family members to get out of without the power of repentance.   Hawkins shares with us that, “repentance is a process of enhancing internal awareness and interpersonal accountability (Holeman, 2008)” (2012, p. 203). But why is repentance so important? Hawkins says, "In addition, individuals and families who are able to forgive important transgressions are likely to have better emotional and physical health (Battle & Miller, 2005), and positive emotions improve health in a variety of ways (Harris & Thoresen, 2005). Numerous studies have demonstrated a relationship between forgiveness and well-being (e.g., Thoresen, Harris, & Luskin, 2000)" (2012, p. 203).   Repentance literally improves your overall

Wholesome family recreation!!!!   I love this topic.   My fiancé is a recreation management major, and this is something that we discuss often and that is important to us.   Hawkins provides so many wonderful quotes in this chapter and I want to share with you the ones that stood out to me. Why is wholesome family recreation important?   I am so glad you asked.   Hawkins tells us, "Wholesome family recreation can help us strengthen our relationships and reduce negative emotional and spiritual consequences. Wholesome recreation strengthens families." (2012, p. 225).   Who doesn’t want a stronger family?   And how amazing is it that you get there through having fun!!!! But Hawkins warns us, "Meaningful recreation does not just happen; it must be prepared for, cultivated, and privately defended (Csikszentmihályi, 1990). " (2012, p. 225).   We must put effort into our recreation, or it will not be as meaningful or impactful for our families. But what does this i

Marriage is such a special time and a special gift for families to be sealed together forever.   What a treasured time.   There are so many components in marriage that are important to understand as we begin taking the steps toward or maintaining our current marriages. Two of these things are sanctification and cooperation.   Hawkins explains, "A “sanctified” relationship ought to be a happy relationship as people go to great lengths to protect and preserve that which they perceive to be sacred (Pargament & Mahoney, 2005)” (2012, p. 196). When we think and believe that our relationships are sacred, we will do everything we can to preserve and protect that relationship.   An eternal marriage through sealing in the temple is the best example of this kind of relationship. However, it isn’t like heaven every day.   Conflict is bound to arise.   But the way we decide to handle this conflict is what will determine if you maintain your sanctified relationship, "During ti

There are so many factors that determine the success of a relationship.   One of those is the view/perspective we have on our relationship.   It is important to recognize this because our view will directly affect how we treat our marriages or other relationships, "A “sanctified” relationship ought to be a happy relationship as people go to great lengths to protect and preserve that which they perceive to be sacred (Pargament & Mahoney, 2005)." (Hawkins, 2012, p. 196) Hawkins quotes, “President Thomas S. Monson describes the counsel he received from his sealer at the marriage altar on his wedding day: Successful marriages . . . are established and maintained on principles of . . . prayer. May I offer you newlyweds a formula which will ensure that any disagreement you may have will last no longer than one day? Every night kneel by the side of your bed. One night, Brother Monson, you offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. The next night you, Sister Monson, offer the

Hey everyone!   I wanted to talk a little bit about the heartache experienced by many families when children leave the covenant path.   This is so hard on so many people and they seek for something or someone to blame, often choosing themselves to blame.   This can be extremely harmful and dangerous to any parent when they begin to feel guilty for the choices their children have made.   In successful marriages and family, they share that: Elder Orson F. Whitney taught: The Shepherd will find his sheep. They were his before they were yours—long before he entrusted them to your care; and you cannot begin to love them as he loves them….Our Heavenly Father knows, far better than any mortal, the pain and sorrow associated with having children who exercise their moral agency to their condemnation rather than exaltation. Can there be any better parent than God? Children’s decisions may bring us sorrow, no matter how faithfully we have taught our children. I found a lot of comfort

This week I really wanted to focus on what it meant to have an equal partnership between men and women in families.   I believe that this concept is misrepresented with the views of the world.   There is a large movement in feminism, and it has created ripples throughout the world.   There is a fight for women to be “equal”.   They want the same roles, pay, duties, respect, and more.   They want to feel like they are the same as a man.   This idea is a little bit twisted.   Equal does not mean identical.   The Family Proclamation outlines the roles of men and women.   For men, it states that they must preside, provide, and protect.   For women, their main role is to nurture the children and teach them the gospel.   Does this mean that the roles don’t cross over? Of course not!!!   As equal partners, all duties are shared.   We must be willing to help fill any gaps in those roles if necessary, but that doesn’t mean that all of the sudden because both parents decide to work and pur

The Eternal Family: The single most important thing in this world and in the world to come.   It is so easy to overlook this fact and the fact that so many things get placed in front of it.   Eternal families begin with the most crucial step: marriage, more specifically a sealing in the temple. In the book “Successful Marriages and Families” by A.J. Hawkins, he states, “President Joseph Fielding Smith said, “Marriage according to the law of the Church is the most holy and sacred ordinance. It will bring to the husband and the wife, if they abide in their covenants, the fullness of exaltation in the kingdom of God” (Smith, 1955, p. 84)." (2012, p. 347). There is a very distinct difference between covenantal and contractual marriage. It is important to note this difference and the quality of effort that is put in, Bruce C. Hafen (2005, p. 76–77) clarified the nature of a covenant relationship by contrasting it with a contractual relationship: When troubles come, the partie

Fidelity and physical intimacy.  There is so much taboo around this topic.  It is very healthy to read from appropriate sources about sexual intimacy and to talk about it as well.  It is a gift from God and one that we don’t understand enough about. I am going to rely heavily on sources in this post as I want to share correct knowledge with you about this subject. In the article, “They Twain Shall Be One” by Brent A. Barlow, he says, “Some people still believe that sexual intimacy is a necessary evil by which we have children. These people get an inaccurate view from parents who were too embarrassed to discuss such matters with their children or who were so concerned that their children live the law of chastity that they taught only the negative consequences of the improper use of intimacy.” (1986).   This can have such a poor effect on people when they hold this belief.   When they get to marriage, the thing that is ordained of God, seems to be a sin to people.   This is heart

You have always had the dream of running the Boston Marathon and it is something you have expressed to your partner before.   Every time you bring it up, they get upset and say that it is a waste of time and money to travel all the way to Boston just to run a silly race.   What he doesn’t know is what this race symbolizes for you.   It symbolizes to you that you can accomplish anything.   It is a race your grandfather raced in and did well, and he is your idol after all!   Your partner doesn’t see this and thinks it is a silly goal.   Every time this issue is brought up it creates more and more tension.   Sound familiar?   This is just one example of what John Gottman would refer to as a “gridlocked problem.”   He says that, “all gridlocked disagreements share four characteristics: 1.        You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution 2.        Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection 3.        The issue is becoming in

Conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship, especially any marital relationship.   When you choose to be in a long-term relationship you know beforehand that there are bound to be at least a few disputes. I have always been told that when I decide on someone, I am choosing an imperfect person with many problems. But, choose the person with the problems you can handle, not that are out of your range too much. John Gottman quotes Dan Wile who wrote the book After the Honeymoon says, “When choosing a long-term partner…you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years” (Gottman, 2015, p. 139).   There are different kinds of conflict.   There are gridlocked problems and solvable problems.   Gottman states, “One way to identify solvable problems is that they seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones.   That’s because when you argue over a solvable pr

This week I would like to talk about pride.   The definition for pride in the dictionary is, “a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.” (Dictionary.com) Pride is something that we all struggle with and harms us more than I think we understand.   According to President Benson (1989):   Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. (See 2 Ne. 9:42.) There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgivin

There they go, the new couple who were just sealed for time and all eternity leaving the temple grounds.   What a special time it is for them at the beginning of their lives together.   Time goes on and they begin to get too comfortable and become complacent in their relationship.   Neither spouse is seeking to make the other the priority and they are very selfish in their actions and decisions.   Sound familiar? I really hope this doesn’t. So many couples become content and take for granted their marriage and their spouse?   How do we continue to make them a priority?   John Gottman explains that we need to have a developed “Love Map” of our partner.   Gottman explains, “emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world.   I call this having a richly detailed love map—my term for that part of your brain where you store all of the relevant information about your partner’s life” (2015, p. 54).   It is important to understand the details of your partne

Welcome back to another post!   This week we are talking about the importance of staying emotionally connected with your spouse.   It is easy to let the little things get in the way of connecting with our spouse.   Whether that be an irritation we have with them, our cell phones, work, exhaustion, frustration, or to-do lists (this one is my blockade to connection).   Often, we see these things as the most important rather than our eternal companion who is literally the most important thing in the world (after God of course).   I have loved reading about this this week, and I can’t wait to dive in.   Here we go! In The Seven Principles for Making marriage Work by John M. Gottman, he shares the importance of turning towards each other.   He explains that when we turn toward our partner, mutual trust is built.   He also says that true romance, “is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of every day life” (Gottman, 2015, p. 88).   G

Welcome back!  This week we are talking about behaviors that negatively affect marriage.  Marriage can be a tough union and require a lot of patient, work, and love.  There are so many things that can go wrong, but there are so many things that can go right!  It all depends on the kind of work you decide to put into your marriage. John M. Gottman, PH.D., and Nan Silver wrote a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  In this book, he describes that he can predict whether a couple will divorce or not with a 90% success rate!  He studied hundreds of couples and came up with some challenges that marriages face. First, he begins by saying that friendship is what keeps your marriage healthy.  He states, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse” (Gottman, 2015, p. 22).  It is important that that friendship is there all throughout your marriage. Gottman describes that there are four h